Take this job and SHOVE IT!

2004-03-19T16:38:00.000-06:00

march 19th, 4:39 PM - Wow, this is my last day at my job. I'm in the last hour in fact (because I'm leaving early for happy hour.) I can't believe it is finally over. I again own myself. And I've changed my mind. I don't think I would stab Brett...from the front.

2004-03-15T15:42:00.000-06:00

Monday, March 15th - I'm in the final week. The "End of Days" as Saint Paul put it. But, if i were to decide I just couldn't do it anymore, I would have to turn on the intercom, page the entire building and say something like, "Okay friends, I'm going to free my choking soul. I'll be walking out the door in approximately 15 minutes and anyone else who feels their soul is in the trunk of Brett's new Porsche Carerra can join me in destroying the trunk, freeing your soul and quitting."

I would make sure there were numerous customers in the retail store to hear this conspiratorial declaration.

2004-03-09T14:42:00.000-06:00

Tuesday, March 9th - I would go into Brett's office (because he came back early and I wasn't supposed to ever see him again) and say, "Okay, so you sent your consultant minion to meet with me and try to get me to stay. And he said that if money was the problem, then a raise would be possible. Well, what's your price? How much do you think my SOUL is worth, huh?? Raise this!" This is when my middle finger pokes out his eye.

2004-03-08T16:19:00.000-06:00

Monday, March 8th - It's been a while. I actually put in FOUR weeks notice, so I didn't feel the cathartic pull of the blog. But today I do. 10 days left...or so. Today I would turn to my direct boss and say:

I care about you. I understand that your life is crazy. I understand that you want the COO and even though he makes out with you in the parking lot, he doesn't want you. I understand that you are taking numerous pharmaceuticals that I don't know about. I know you have a four drink minimum just because you are from Louisianna. I understand those things and because I care about you, I feel concern for you.

But I won't understand how you ignore me when I talk to you!!!! I'm pretty incredibly forgiving, but, today, forgive this, bit@h!!!

Then I would walk up behind her with scissors and cut a huge hunk of her hair off. She wouldn't know I was coming because she wouldn't have been listening to the previous speech.

2004-02-19T16:58:00.000-06:00

2/18/04 - Thurs. - Today, I actually gave notice, so I'm less angry than usual. If I quit today, I would be mature and professional.

And give the boss the finger behind his back.

2004-02-18T11:31:00.000-06:00

Wednesday - 2/18/04 - Today we received bonuses. I know - that's awesome. But my bonus was approximately $1200 LESS than was previously indicated to me. Oh, and I got a little certificate for my one year anniversary.

Today, I would go into Brett's office and tell him his employee loyalty stinks. When he starts to yell at me, I will turn and coldly say, "You have no power over me," just like Jennifer Connelly in Labrinth. And, finally, when I do say it, I will believe it is true.

2004-02-17T10:40:00.000-06:00

Tuesday - Feb. 17th - Today I'm taking a "self" day from work. However, I found out yesterday that I will be part of the the incoming fall class for the Masters program at UT!!! I'm in. I don't even really need to think of a way to quit for today. I'm too far above the execs mentally. Any form of quitting that demonstrated wit and charisma would be above all their heads.

But, okay, if I had to, I'd see if I couldn't put some sort of Ex-Lax in the hidden whiskey stash off the sample room. I love being evil.

2004-02-16T09:29:00.000-06:00

Monday, Feb. 16 - Ah, Monday. Well, since they fired Kristi on Friday after she worked an entire day in the warehouse, I have to say I'm a bit peeved. (But I guess that isn't too unusual.) At 23 (24 on Saturday!) I am more mature, intelligent and aware than the three male "owners" in charge. (The one female owner is a silent partner - she's the scorned ex-wife.) This is a disturbing fact. Brett created this company to feed his pathetic, pasty English ego. One of the core values is "Brutal Honesty" but that really only applies to the executives when they want to tell you that you are stupid OR that your jeans sure look good today. Also, it's President's Day. But, just like MLK Day and the day after Thanksgiving, "national" holidays don't matter here...Brett is from the UK...and no, the accent is NOT sexy. It is patronizing and embarrassing.

So, how would I quit today? Well, the ideal way would require Brett being in the office, but since he takes Fridays and Mondays off, I guess that won't happen. Instead, I would walk up to Emma, the British two-faced Operations Manger and say, "This is for Kristi and the Presidents of the United States of AMERICA." Then I would zap her with a stun gun. Oh yeah.

I would probably need to exit the building as quickly as possible after that one.

2004-02-13T10:26:00.000-06:00

Feb. 13, 2004 - I would slip on the stairs which are iced over outside. Then I would take this place to the bank.

2004-02-12T14:02:00.000-06:00

Feb. 12, 2004 - Today is a warehouse sale. The public claws at the precious SOLD stickers in my hand. Four different people want to negotiate price with me right NOW about a stupid $25 wooden bowl. The whiney, rich housewife that wants me to pull everything down from the racks because even though she is bigger than me, her fingernails are too expensive to "work" gets hit in the face with my clipboard. As her fake nose pops back into its old hook shape, I take off running, making sure to grab a Ganesha statue on the way out. I'll take luck wherever I can find it - Hindu gods included.

2004-02-11T16:05:00.000-06:00

February 11, 2004 - Would the FBI come for me if I said...oh, I'm too scared to say it!

Okay, everyone says I need to "change my attitude" about work. Did Caesar change his attitude when Pompey became sole console? No, he got pissed off. Did Hamlet change his attitude when his uncle killed his father? No, he got revenge. Did Donald Duck EVER change his attitude? NO!!! He has continued to quack in an unintelligible fashion (except that time he took the suave pills and Daisy was impressed) to this day! I will not capitulate!!!!

2004-02-10T10:45:00.000-06:00

February 9th, 2004 - Tuesday. Brett and I are in his office, discussing something...let's say collection names. I come up with a dumb suggestion and he starts cursing at me in his stupid British accent. I look at him and say, "Um, don't talk to me like that." And I walk out of his office and begin collecting my things at my desk. He follows because he can't stand for someone to talk back to HIM and begins yelling at me in front of everyone. I look at him and say, "Stop talking to me like that. I'm not your child and I'm not your girlfriend and I'm certainly not your wife. In fact, I'm not even your employee anymore." He is taken aback but can't let himself lose face in front of the rest of the company. He begins to yell again. I turn and look him directly in the eyes. "No, I don't think you understand," I say. "You cannot speak to me that way. I don't belong to you anymore. You are really making a fool out of yourself out here. What's most sad is that you aren't bummed to be losing me, you are concerned about your ego. You're just pissed that you aren't firing me...I'M FIRING YOU!!!" I walk out and behind me, I hear only silence, not applause. But I know that everyone is clapping on the inside.

2004-02-09T10:16:00.000-06:00

Monday, Feb. 9th - Monday. Boo. This morning, when the alarm started screaming, I would have thrown it into the toilet. Then gone back to sleep. I would sleep until Thursday and not check my messages on the phone they accused me of stealing. I would probably call in and quit on Friday...I think I have enough PTO to pull it off...

2004-02-09T10:15:00.000-06:00

Friday, Feb. 6 - I took a vacation day...so quitting wasn't optimal today.

2004-02-05T14:18:00.000-06:00

Thursday, Feb. 5th - I would stand up on my desk and say:

"Look. I am one person. Sure, my manager has gone crazy after she broke up with the COO and is no longer reliable. Sure, there is an intern running around you all want me to check out to you like a library book and watch like a babysitter. Sure, I just so happen to be the one who knows many things about many things in this company. But no. I will not help you. I realize I am the only person that you think can help you. You are probably right and for that I really am sorry. But today I will not help you. Today, I will help myself."

Then, for good measure, I would Saran Wrap the toilets.

2004-02-04T13:47:00.000-06:00

It's raining. In slow motion, I kick open the back door of the complex. My newly cut hair is slicked back from the rain and being a general badass. Everyone turns to look at me in my floor length leather coat. I smile. I see it as it is. All the dirty "1"'s and "0"'s combine to create this pathetic, fake world. I pull out my cell phone (the one that the company accused me of stealing back in April.) I say, "Tank, I need an exit." And I'm immediately plugged OUT.

2004-02-03T17:00:00.000-06:00

I would delete folders. Important, shared folders. The Pricing Folder. The Sales Tax Audit Folder. The entire Employee Handbook because it is all a lie anyway. And I would delete Hank's entire folder. Yeah, that last one would just be cruel. But a girl's got to maintain some level of pointless vengence. Oh, and I would lock the back-up for the Pricing Folder. Then they would know I was serious and not willing to negotiate.

2004-02-02T16:30:00.000-06:00

Today I am responsible for placing an ad in the Austin Chronicle for an emergency warehouse sale we are having because Hank and Brett are shopaholics and have driven their company into debt. On the ad I would make a few minor mistakes. Wrong Address. Wrong Dates. And I would put "Come experience the romance of Four Hands this Valentine's Day...Brett did. Brett left his 6-month pregnant wife for a furniture hussy." And then I would quietly quit today. They wouldn't see how truly dangerous I am until Thursday. By then I'll be long gone...

2004-01-30T18:50:00.000-06:00

Jan. 30th, My hire anniversary. I would go into Brett's office and pull down the Samuri sword that he bought from some poor, starving man in China for about 7 cents. Then I would turn to him and say, "You don't deserve the respect I'm about to give you." Then I would stab him from the FRONT.